The Fudge Report

"All the poop that's fit to scoop..."

Sunday, September 29, 2002

The Fart Factor


Today we bring a special article from the Boston Globe that is close to our rectums: Lavatory and Liberty. This heart-wrenching newspiece describes how corporate America strictly regulated the input and output frequency and duration of the working class.


Poopers unite!

Saturday, September 28, 2002

I'd also like to report that a dog allegedly took a dump in one of the laundry's here at the complex. I suspect it was one of the drunk frat boys who got a little lost on the way to the porcelain princess.
MI: 0/5
BI: 0/5
TP^2: 6

Goodness, me. That was absolutely terrific!

Thursday, September 26, 2002

MI: 0/5
ST: 1/5
BF: 0/5
TP^2: 4

That was quite the clean drop, very proud of my self. Go fiber!

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Giardia. Know it, fear it, love it.

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

BF: 1/5
MI: 3/5

MI is still elevated, recommend immediate deployment of pepto!
BF: 2/5
MI: 0/5
TP^2: 11
FL: 1
ST: 0

Nothing says lovin' like a brick right out the oven.

Monday, September 23, 2002

BF: 0/5
MI: 2/5
TP^2: 6

Dominos + Code Red = Good. Who'd a thunk it?
BF: 2/5
MI: 4/5
TP^2: infinity

I think I caught Giardia from my dog!
The Fart Factor - a weekly feature loosely related to fudge


A friend here in the apartments was planning to do an art project using super-closeups of his orifices, hoping that they wouldn't resemble the real thing once developed, but more of an abstract collage of anal colors. Turns out his "art" ended up looking like a typical gory scene on the Discovery Health channel.


Despite this setback, I encourage him to pursue his dreams of having a zoomed-in picture of his anus displayed on a 5' by 7' canvas in the local art museum, and hope that his teacher isn't too anal to understand.

Sunday, September 22, 2002

MI: 1/5
ST: 1/5
TP^2: 10
FL: 1

Excellent, very satisfying...can't say the same for the poor toilet.
Hunter has messy poopies.

Saturday, September 21, 2002

A special poem submitted to the Fudge by an anonymous latino (or latina) reporter:

No hay un placer mas grande que el cagar
Con un cigarrillo para fumar
Y un amigo para conversar;
Queda el culo agradecido
Y la mierda en su lugar
BF: 4/5
TP^2: 16
ST: 3/5

We got a bleeder!
MI: 2/5
BF: 1/5
TP^2: 13
FL: 2
ST: 1/5

why did I have to eat a bratwurst?
MI: 4/5
BF: 4/5

Wow. Too many drinkies at The Martini Grille last night. Gotta say though, fantastic, dark, casual, dark, atmosphere. Did I mention it's dark?

Friday, September 20, 2002

MI: 4/5
BF: 1/5
TP^2: > 12

Eek. Teach me to eat Chinese food from a place called "Ho Ho's." I think I have an itch.
MI: 1/5
BF: 1/5

Relatively pleasant, but had some splashback. I hate that... especially in public bathrooms. *shiver*

Thursday, September 19, 2002

MI: 0/5
BF: 0/5
TP^2: 4

Unheard of in the land of green chile!
BF= 2/5
MI= 1/5
FL= 2
ST= 2/5
TP^2= 7

Apparently multi-grained bread IS good for me.

-Plunger Pauli
MI: (infinity)

I just shit my pants when I saw this.

BF: 0/5
MI: 1/5

I seem to be getting slowly immune to the effects of green chile. I wish the same could be said for my peculiar fascination with my new favorite band, Jailbait Stylee.
BF: 2/5
MI: 5/5

Boo to trail mix!
BF: 1/5
MI: 4/5
FL: 1
ST: 2/5

So, I've been eating a lot of trail mix recently. The phrase "a little nutty" comes to mind.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

By the way, everybody put their hands together and crap for "Toilet Snake," who will be joining me in publishing the Fudge Report.
So I figured out why the coffee I brew gives me the runs and makes me hyper.. either my coffee maker is wicked broken, or the altitude & humidity is forcing me to use twice as much water than I did in Boston.
BF: 1/5
MI: 2/5
FL: 1
ST: 3/5

I'm introducing several new metrics which I think may be useful: FL (flushes) and ST (stank).
BF: 0/5
MI: 3/5
TP^2: 8

Note that both MI and TP^2 are still higher than I would like. I attribute that to my generally increased consumption of beer and doritos.

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

I think someone is sabotaging my food.
Dude. Not too shabby on that one, although troops reported TP usage is sustained at higher than normal levels.
BF: 0/5
TP^2: 8
MI: 3/5

Monday, September 16, 2002

I saw a cow take a dump this weekend at the New Mexico State Fair, and let me tell you, I've never seen anything like it. This was a cow meant for beef-eating consumption, and that bad larry was generating more dung than Gabe's mom feels through her Glass Bottom Boat on a "Two For Tuesday" special night.
Oy. That quesadilla from last night is making me produce more poop than a Vanessa Carlton lyric writing session!
Wow, that was sudden! Look out for green chile chicken quesadillas below!

Duration: ~ 30 seconds
BF: 3/5

Sunday, September 15, 2002

Quite normal output today, despite the crap I ate last night.

Saturday, September 14, 2002

oh, that was really not good.

beer + wine cooler + pizza + beer = pure evil.

Friday, September 13, 2002

BF: 0/5
TP squares: 4
Duration: 1 minute

Fantastic. I feel like a new man.
Anonymous Coward reports their own output today:
size: small
shape: nubby texture
messy index (MI): 2/5
BF: 0/5

If you want to become a part of the experience, simply e-mail me and I'll add you as a submitter!

Thursday, September 12, 2002

My dog shits like a race horse!
BF: 0/5
shape: nice and solid

I'd like to report some happy results since switching to oatmeal in the morning and upping my salad intake ...
Squares of TP: 8-9
Duration: 5 minutes
BF: 2/5

That wasn't very pleasant at all...

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Probable source: The New Mexico Sandwich; roast beef, green chile, cheese, condiments, grilled on sourdough.
Shape: stringy segments
Duration: 5 minutes
Burn Factor (bf): 0/5

This one was a big of a toughy. I imagine that it wasn't really ready to see the world, but these things can't be helped sometimes.