The Fudge Report

"All the poop that's fit to scoop..."

Monday, December 30, 2002

I was asked by a Constant Reader why I haven't posted in a while. You asked for it!

Dude. Ever since I've been back on the east coast, I've had the most satisfying, cleanest, and downright biggest dumpage. I think it's the altitude difference. At high altitude, there's less air pressure exerted on your abdomen, resulting in airier and more spread out excrement. At low altitude (and near the coast), the combination of salt in the air and a higher air pressure results in more compacted, drier, poopies.

TP^2: 10
MI: 0/5*
ST: 1/5
FL: 1

* You may ask, how is an Messy Index of 0 possible? One would expect that the act of releasing a brown, sticky, substance from the anus would tend to leave at least a token marker behind (pun intended). However, I would like to now summarize a theory that has been debated for several years now here at Fudge HQ.

Up until recently, most fudgologists have accepted that MI=0 was a theoretical minimum limit of messiness, and as such, asserted that MI>0 will always be true. I proposed that a condition exists which can set MI = 0.

A deeper understanding of gastrointestinalstatics led me to realize that the mere act of dropping an "ideal" poop could, in fact, clean up after itself!

I'd like to pause here, however, to emphasize that the achievement of an ideal deuce has never caused me to forego wiping. Besides the fact that not wiping is gross, you must also realize that one cannot fully verify the presence of an ideal poop until after an initial wiping.

Let me continue. The ideal poop must exhibit the following traits:
1. Larger radius at the end than at the beginning.
2. Completely unbroken structure.
3. High density.

All three of these traits will result in a "vacuum" effect, whereby the following actions are achieved:
1. Each layer, starting at the beginning of the poop, will "clean up" the previous layer's trail.
2. The "inverse cone" shape will slowly exert more cleaning pressure as the poop progresses.
3. The sudden drop in force exerted by the tail end of the poop upon the outer rim of the poop shoot effectively creates a momentary vacuum that forces all remaining particles to either return upstairs or follow the drop out to the toilet.

This assertion that MI can =0 is a radical departure from the traditional MI>0 thinking, and as such, Fudge HQ has coined the process "Sudden Crapulation-Induced Depressurization of the Sphincter." SCIDS is still only a theory, but Fudge HQ will be performing the first clinical trials on monkeys starting in Q1 of 2003.

Thursday, December 26, 2002

2 Bowls of Chili for Dinner + 1 Bowl of Chili for Lunch + Ribs for Dinner = High Volume Stinkiness

Sum of two sessions:
TP^2: 50
MI: 4/5
ST: 5/5
FL: 3

Monday, December 16, 2002

ugh...had some plumbling problems....let's just say the flush index was high....

TP^2: infinity
MI: surprisingly 2/5
ST: 5/5
FL: infinity^2

Friday, December 13, 2002

That's stupid.
So, after taking two humongous dumps in one day, I had an epiphany. You know what is missing from society today? The poopometer! After each drop-off, you press a button next to the bowl. A small video screen reports your volume. If you're lucky enough to have the highest score of the day, you get to enter your initials, just like Pac-Man in the good old days. Maybe the high score at the end of the day gets a special prize too: a roll of TP, air freshener, Imodium AD, the possibilities are endless!

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Oog, bloody...
Farts are smelly!

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

Almost back to normal!

MI: 3/5
ST: 1/5
TP^2: 8
BF: 1/5
FL: 1

Monday, December 09, 2002

Output is normalizing, thank god for that, although still well below nominal quality:

MI: 3/5
ST: 2/5
TP^2: 10
BF: 2/5

Thursday, December 05, 2002

My first solid fudge since Monday! yay!

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

oog. Too disgusting to give stats for, but let's just say that I'm having once an hour outputs that are painful, liquid, and yellow.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Yeah, so, damn. I may have the flu, or at least some of similar-acting bug. Apparently spreading like wildfire throughout the area. The results are quite disturbing, and hence we have to create a new category:

The Sludge Report
Vomited 8 times last night. Quite painful:
MI: 5/5
BF: 5/5
TP^2: n/a
FL: 4
ST: 5/5

That's enough of that. The Fudge Report is equally as awful:
MI: 5/5
BF: 5/5
TP^2: (infinity)
FL: 4
ST: 5/5

Hopefully will get better soon - went to the doctor so I could get rehydrated with IV, since I wasn't keeping anything down (or up).